Happiness is an inside job

 Sometimes, it's hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. The advantage of a bad memory is that, one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. I have few scars to show for happiness and so I learn so little from peace. To be strong that nothing can disturb my inner peace of mind. Some to talk about life, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet. I wanna make the people surround me feel that there is something beautiful in them. To look at the sunny side of everything and make optimism come true. To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

I wanna forget all the mistakes of the past I've done through and focus on to the greater achievements of the future and to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet with a smile. I wanna give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to critic about others. Thus, not be too huge for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. I wanna think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world - not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is mostly on my side for so long, as I'm being true to the best that is in me. 

While they say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for - Life is too short to waste my time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value me. Spending my life with people who make me smile, laugh, and feel loved.  And yet, if I cannot change all the people around me, I can change the people who I choose to be around.

Happiness is the consequence of my personal effort. I wanna fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even could travel around the world looking for it. I might have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of my own blessings. And when I have achieved a state of happiness, I don't ever wanna become lax about maintaining it. I wanna make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

It's been my experience that I can nearly enjoy things if I make up my mind firmly that I will. And I always try to find the opportunities to make someone smile, and to offer random acts of kindness in everyday life. I wanna learn to be content with being happier than I deserve. Hoping the more I feed my mind with positive thoughts, the more I can attract great things into my life.

“I have a few things that I wished for but all I want in this world is you. I wanna see you and talk about anything - I've always wanted the two of us to begin with everything from the beginning.” - DF

Happy is subjective

I do my best thinking at night when everyone else is asleep, no noise, no disturbance - I'm always thinking about what I'm missing, even when I'm happy enough with what I have now. While some others feel lucky, if they haven't got to be happy as they don't like their frame of mind to be unraveled or prefer to be left well enough alone.

Yet, if you really get to know me, you'll see me I'm a happy person - no matter where life takes me, you'll find me with a smile. Presumed to be happy, always laughing. I would do my damn best to be more happy than not. It's not much about who you used to be as it's about who you choose to be. Life is short and the only person that makes you hurt or hold grudges is you. Bcs we are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by an opinion that we do not look happy. So, forgive everyone, including yourself. 

I was heartbroken and furious - little did I know that if I continue to live like this, my life would be out balance and unequal. And as surely as I knew this, I can continue to live as exactly I used to, in a heavy-lidded state of love and unspeakable compromise. But it made me wonder, isn't that what people do everyday? Was it good enough for me to expect people to give out happiness to myself? - Truth of it, I couldn't, I couldn't know this unless I choose to hear and listen. It comes first with desire then willingness, and it'll become understanding along the way with progression and more understanding; 

"Being truly happy in life involves you feeling more in control of the direction your life is going."  

These simple things are what forever what I love about life. For then, I will always be happy no matter where I found myself - For instance, I wanna let me myself wake up next to my baby girl, us having breakfast in the morning and wandering through the city with holding her hands in mine. And having more time of us together doing anything that we love. That definitely I'll be happy for the rest of my fucked up little life.   

To do what I love and passionate about it is a dream come true. My decent life now is consumed by a good career, good people surround and having someone that I love the most and her giving back the same exact feelings towards myself - and it's the best life I could ever hope and ask for. Bcs happiness does not come from a job, it comes from knowing what you truly value and behaving in a way that's consistent with those beliefs. No one lives a life without having an impact, everyone has the power to make those people around them happy or worse, satisfied or frustrated, so which one is you? 

p/s; Just be happy - if you can't be happy, do things that make you happy or do nothing with the people that makes you happy.

Cross my heart and hope to die

  “She reached up and pulled my face to her and kissed me, her soft lips on mine. I don't want her to stop kissing me. I was in love with her. I knew that much was true. As long as she is, then everything is fine. The world can pass by without me, without us. Everything is right, I would stay in this moment forever if I could. Just as long as we can stay here, together, in each other's arms.

Love was the swelling, hopeful feeling in my chest every time I saw her. Love was the way I could forget about everything when I was with her. Love was the gasp she could draw out of me with the simplest of touches. Love was the catch in my breath when she looked at me in her intense way. Love was the way I could be myself around her, know that I didn't need to be perfect or worry about what she was thinking, because she accepted me.

Even before we met and long after we're both gone, my heart lives inside of her. I'm forever and ever in love with her. Never in my life had, I ever felt that quick response to anyone. I knew today that my life was forever changed in that one moment and I was clueless as to why or how it was. Breathless and unable to look away from her, like if I did - she would disappear."

Remorse

I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’m trying really hard to make up for those things by being a decent 'zero fucks given' guy. Also, I was not proud of what I had learned but I never doubted that some of it was worth knowing.

And I'm not afraid to admit everything that I sees to be wrong with myself, and yet recognises that I may be the object of stratagems. But it don’t erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a certain creative version of pride and ego, yet being humble.

Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past. I'm just glad that I wasn't the same person that I used to be before. For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever I want to be. I hope I'll live a life that I'm proud of, and if I find that I'm not, I hope I have the strength to start over again.

I’m an eyewitness at all the fear, weakness, frustration, failure, depression, refraction and bad luck moments that I’ve been through alone and which affected significantly but never was able to beat me for so long.

I still mourn the nights I have spent worrying that I was not good enough. And I still mourn the way I couldn’t silent these voices in my head telling me that I needed to be always something more, better or different. I still mourn it - bcs I have learned the hard way to unleash the demon inside, to show the world that I have a voice to be heard. And I’ve learned to be in love with all my imperfections. Be at peace with myself not to be at war with my mind nor the world anymore. I broke the cage of my own thoughts and fears, and now I am free, I am loved, and I know deep inside that I have always been more than enough.

I’m here now stronger that yesterday, I'm still able to stand and continue on my way, still following up my dreams, still trying my best to build better future for me and my love ones and rest assure, I will never stop conquering. The key to a happy life is to have accomplishments to be proud of and purpose to look forward to, and in the moment now, I'm having both - pursuing my careers, along supports from my love ones and good circle of close people that been gone through with me since day one, and work hard enough for getting marry to my dream girl that I adored since for most a decade. 

There will always be that small part of myself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it," - bcs I'm done for not do anything and tired to call it regret, that would break my heart again and again. By reason of that particular person, I couldn't have done it without her existence.

Take life by the hand and dance with me

Maybe days after days, in life after life, and forever

My enthralling heart will make the analogy of character

"Loving you in endless forms and countless times."

And you take it as a charm, wear it round your hands in your many expressions, 

In days after days, in life after life, and forever

Whenever I reminisce old stories of devotion, its was unspeakable pain,

Stereotypical of being apart or together.

As I was running away from the past life, but in the end you emerged,

Reverberating the darkness of time - You appeared to be the soul of what is remembered forever.

You existed here and breathe me in, brings pleasure of happiness

At the insurmountable of love of one for another

We occupied along side millions of lovers, carve up in the same

Hot sweatiness of meeting, but the same distressful tears of goodbyes

Ancestral love but in vows that renew in days and forever.

Today my love has found its resting temple in you

The love of my days both past and forever:

Embracing joy, sorrow, and life.

The memories of all fondness merging with this one love of ours –

And the forms of every verse-maker past and forever.

The Lone Wolf

 “She lends her pen,

to thoughts of him,

that flow from it,

in her solitary.

For she is his poet,

And he is her poetry.”

- Lang Leav

Like all others I wrote long before and after that were dedicated to you,

nothing left to be said but I will spend my life trying to put you into words. 

I admire your goodness, every optimism and hope

Your affection is a better fate for me than everything I could have wished for

If you are a part of me, then I wanted you be the best part

And if you're separated from me, then let me have you as my purposes

I felt those butterflies overwhelm them in the best possible way

This is for your love and mine is yours

Love is fate, now I am here

Bcs you know the meaning of life, that begins and ends with a kiss

I'm the fighter in the silver ardor, who toil for you

And for our future children, it's a circle - so they will know this truth

so please,

let us never be apart.

I delivered to be dedicated, to you - the one true love of my life, whilst all others have been merely pretenders. Only you and you alone know the truth of who I am.

Saved by The Grace

Back then, I thought that if I owned nothing, had nothing, was nothing, I would have nothing left to lose, and I wouldn't be scared anymore, bcs my whole life I’ve been so damn scared; scared to live because I was scared to die, but at the same I was so scared of living, so I wanted to die, or maybe so scared of dying that I refused to live - and yet I was scared to let someone know abt my feelings that I had a crush on long years ago because I was so sure that I'll be end up alone - just so that I don't have to be afraid to fall, when I'm already on the ground, and I don't have to be scared to lose someone, when there was no one to have around. 

"Every time my dreams threaten to become reality, something always happens and I end up alone."

Then I realised, I rather not wishing to survive but to be thrown to the wolfs with adrenaline still pumping in my veins and hear the Gods laughing saying ”that was one hell of a youth” and everything I do I do in order to push my senses and levels of natural ecstasy. I want to be so awake that I pass out by exhaustion every night with a smile on my face and no thoughts of tomorrow bcs it was all I ever could make of it and I am sick and tired of boredom. Bored people slumbering boring words about bored habits and I want to get out in these darkness back then.

05/02/2023 changed everything ..

"You’re like a song I heard when I was a little kid but forgot I knew until I heard it again,"

And after 11 years of being scared, there she is - alive well and existing in front of me. I felt like every time I stare into those eyes of her, they shine like a mirror with the sharp edges, piercing trough every bit of my reflection - it makes me feel like a kid lost in the woods and all of a sudden I hear a song somewhere and a shiver runs down my spine, a song that I’ve heard somewhere before; a song that makes all my demons calms peacefully at once.

So I got so obsessed with her - an obsession for damaged people like me to damage myself even more - but still, obsession makes everything possible, and that’s the thing about success and happiness; I fall in love with her, I become absolutely, pathologically obsessed, the moment that I have what I want and we being together like the open seas and shores, sometimes, I was not sure if I totally ready for it, thus, 

"I become obsessed with the idea that I don’t deserve it,"

 - but she gave assurance that all these are fucking real, even in smallest gesture. yet I’m so forever blessed for the bond that we both have right now, and that comes from simply having her around, knowing she makes my life one of my best and whenever I feel like I'm the worthless, she never fails to amaze me and keep reminding me that I mean the world to her. 

Afiza Qalilla Jamaludin, there is no words to describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you, I'm just glad that you really exist in my life and I appreciate for all the things you have done for me. I was broken into pieces, yet you picked up every little pieces of me, and put it back together, patiently - you made me, eternally yours.

2022 ???

 

Been too long since my last shit postings, lot of changes happened lately - well yes that’s a baby, but not it’s not my son, it’s my awesome cheeky nephew,

Muhamad Luth Hufayz Bin Muhamad Syimeer 

*betul kot ejaan*

Well yea, Sarah got married 2 years ago and gave birth to this boi last year - our little family got bigger hihi

And he’s the twinkle twinkle little brightest star now ❤️

Well since the last entry, i’ve never made any writings or some because idk, been busy mengejar impian dan cita cita lol but then again, at least things going smoothly as it meant to be;

Abah dah pencen, then parents are getting well and we all already moved in to our own built house somewhere in Semenyih - and living our life together for another day 

Me ? Typing this entry in front of laundry bar, in PENANG!

YES PENANG! I moved to Penang in OCT last year, it was one of best decisions i’ve ever made in my life, got myself a really damn good job (thanks to Anas Aiman, a closed friend of mine, well he’s my boss now) and things went away perfectly - and guess who just got engaged recently? 🥰 

DAMN SURE IT’S DANIE FAIZAL SALLEH YO!

I let you guys know soon who’s angel that caught my attention and owns me now 🤪

Til’ next timeeee ..

K

I don’t know if you could read this, 

and, Aku minta maaf, aku bersalah, aku minta maaf.

Tak sengaja aku jadi punca hubungan kita putus dulu, aku terlalu mengikut kepala hati sendiri.

Aku rindu dulu, aku rindu kita dulu dulu.

Bukan untuk diri aku, tapi untuk kita berdua, bebas ke mana luang masa antara kita dan kengkawan tanpa ada apa sebarang prasangka buruk.

Aku cuba cari kau balik, tapi aku tahu kau tak nak.

nothing much, cuma Aku Rindu Kawan Aku, Aku Rindu Kau. 

Moga kau baik saja di mana kau berada. 

p/s; i’ll be here incase you’ll be needed me. 

amat mudah untuk dibawa arus

ku bermimpi di malam yang tiada
mengejar impian yang selalu ada
berpijak di atas udara
yang membawa diriku ke utara

sedarkanlah diri ini, bangkitkanlah aku dari tidur

satu persatu hilang dari jasadku yang tewas
tiada penggantinya, semua telah diceritakan-Nya

ku dinodai arus, tiada kasihan
ku telah ditunjuk, tiada perasaan

apakah ?

apakah yang telah terjadi pada diriku ?

satu persatu hilang dari jasadku yang tewas
tiada penggantinya, semua telah diceritakan-Nya

i seek to you, God
it’s only you
i seek to you, God
dear Lord, if there is any second chance
'cause i’m drown, i’m drowned
so i seek to you, God
dear Lord, please let me out from this stream

satu persatu, hilang
tiada pengganti, hilang

sedarkanlah diri ini
bangkitkanlah aku dari tidurku

tell me when i’m good enough

no matter how hard i try, i still can’t get over you

WHY ?

6 years of knowing you, though we’ve lost each other for years, and met back again, it still couldn’t make me change the way i feel towards you, it always feels like the first day we talk to each other,

you’re the only few who could understand me, accept me for who i am - but i’m afraid you’ll get enough of me and might turn you off and leave because i’m always gonna be messing up everything somehow,

tell me i’m good enough, though i’m trying so hard to not to fucked up everything like i used to do when we were younger in past days, because i can’t afford to lose you, again - never

i’m still here

i’m the boy you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some meeting in the parking lot, the one whose in fact soon to be gone; when you look at the picture again, i want to assure you that i will no longer be there, i shall be erased from history, like a traitor in a world war, because with every day that goes by, i’m feeling myself becoming more and more invisible 

kill yourself III

they figure me a dead motherfucker, but i’m just a motherfucker that want to be dead

snow leopard with the lead in his head turning me into a sweater

bitches use me as their fucking bedspread

i’ll be the silhouette of a sunset

smoke a cigarette while i compress my depression

stare into the violet fluorescent lights makes me violent

i’m trying to get the highest i can get before i overdose and die

my ribs are nothing but an empty cage, black hole in my chest, big bang

yung plague on the tip of a wave

in my head it feels like i’m a guest so i will throw it all away because when i’m dead i’ll be nothing decomposing in a grave

i’m matter but i don't matter

i can feel my skull shatter from the dull chatter

brain spattered on the wall, grey stains won't dissolve

now i have to paint it all

always boasting my emotions on how i’m so fucking broken

think i’m joking when i’m talking, about blowing my head open

till the moment you walk in and find my body motionless

WRISTS SLIT

thoughts of slick keep falling in an open pit

SHIT!

always burn my bridges, cause i’d rather fall in ditches

if life's a game of inches, then my dick has been the biggest

and my goal's to fuck the world until that motherfucker's twitching

lane switchin', same mission, to die and blame my addiction

BITCH!

2020

it has been a damn while since my last entry, sampai aku pun dah lupa aku ada blog lol

well anyway, sebenarnya the reason i want to get back in this blog cause i wanted to remove all the shitty love post about my ex slutty girlfriend, well yea that was couple years ago, dumped her after i i i caught that bitch kongkek with budak indon pekerja ayam kedai dia *sigh*

tulah, dulu kemain jealous tengok orang lain ada awek, bila dah ada awek sendiri - awek romen dengan orang lain. kah!

so right now, boleh kot continue balik sesi luahan amarah depresi or anything that i wanted here, so til’ next time yo.

hello, Dvnie

2 months gone missing with no update, i guess im too lazy to write in here cause there was nothing to share, and yeah now its not the same thing anymore, i finally have a job, a career i can start with; Customer Service Executive of Celcom and ive already set up what i want from here, we shall see after this lol may everything be ease,

until next time,

fresh start 2017

and finally the biggest lie ive ever did; i will keep it as stock as i could

tetttt..

i guess its hard to resist tho lol

struggling

yes, im at a point of myself where everything is fucking complicated, currently im having a hard time to face all the problems im going through

truth is, this is the first time im having this phase of situation, cause i may not see this coming before this so i dont give a fuck about it much, but yeah truth to be told, this is fucking stressful and i dont even know how am i gonna endure all this,

forgive me dear God for ive sin alot, i disobey You so many fucking times, help me to get through all this, amen

arguements

tiada siapa suka bila bertekak dengan family sendiri, end up kau yang sakit hati,

aku tak mintak jadi macam tu, but trust me, if only things are easier to get through, i wont having this issue long time ago,

fml

god's will

i wonder what my life could be like in next 10 years, is it everything turn into what ive ever wanted ? sigh 

it scares me to death when it comes to think of it, somehow i cant stop wondering about it, everytime i get into 'self-time' alone, those things will keep playing in my mind and it got me paused,

i just dont know how my life would be in future, and i wish everything turn out to be good and enough; i know i just cant have everything in life and ive learnt a lot in growing up and surviving in this world, im grateful for everything i have now but tbh, being a typical human being, i couldnt resist asking for more, 

dear lord, forgive me for ive sinned a lot and disobey to you, im being dishonest and stubborn shameful creature of you,

til next time, 

lets get dream, again

next project maybe ? we shall see about that,

til' next time,