Cross my heart and hope to die

  “She reached up and pulled my face to her and kissed me, her soft lips on mine. I don't want her to stop kissing me. I was in love with her. I knew that much was true. As long as she is, then everything is fine. The world can pass by without me, without us. Everything is right, I would stay in this moment forever if I could. Just as long as we can stay here, together, in each other's arms.

Love was the swelling, hopeful feeling in my chest every time I saw her. Love was the way I could forget about everything when I was with her. Love was the gasp she could draw out of me with the simplest of touches. Love was the catch in my breath when she looked at me in her intense way. Love was the way I could be myself around her, know that I didn't need to be perfect or worry about what she was thinking, because she accepted me.

Even before we met and long after we're both gone, my heart lives inside of her. I'm forever and ever in love with her. Never in my life had, I ever felt that quick response to anyone. I knew today that my life was forever changed in that one moment and I was clueless as to why or how it was. Breathless and unable to look away from her, like if I did - she would disappear."

Remorse

I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’m trying really hard to make up for those things by being a decent 'zero fucks given' guy. Also, I was not proud of what I had learned but I never doubted that some of it was worth knowing.

And I'm not afraid to admit everything that I sees to be wrong with myself, and yet recognises that I may be the object of stratagems. But it don’t erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a certain creative version of pride and ego, yet being humble.

Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past. I'm just glad that I wasn't the same person that I used to be before. For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever I want to be. I hope I'll live a life that I'm proud of, and if I find that I'm not, I hope I have the strength to start over again.

I’m an eyewitness at all the fear, weakness, frustration, failure, depression, refraction and bad luck moments that I’ve been through alone and which affected significantly but never was able to beat me for so long.

I still mourn the nights I have spent worrying that I was not good enough. And I still mourn the way I couldn’t silent these voices in my head telling me that I needed to be always something more, better or different. I still mourn it - bcs I have learned the hard way to unleash the demon inside, to show the world that I have a voice to be heard. And I’ve learned to be in love with all my imperfections. Be at peace with myself not to be at war with my mind nor the world anymore. I broke the cage of my own thoughts and fears, and now I am free, I am loved, and I know deep inside that I have always been more than enough.

I’m here now stronger that yesterday, I'm still able to stand and continue on my way, still following up my dreams, still trying my best to build better future for me and my love ones and rest assure, I will never stop conquering. The key to a happy life is to have accomplishments to be proud of and purpose to look forward to, and in the moment now, I'm having both - pursuing my careers, along supports from my love ones and good circle of close people that been gone through with me since day one, and work hard enough for getting marry to my dream girl that I adored since for most a decade. 

There will always be that small part of myself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it," - bcs I'm done for not do anything and tired to call it regret, that would break my heart again and again. By reason of that particular person, I couldn't have done it without her existence.

Take life by the hand and dance with me

Maybe days after days, in life after life, and forever

My enthralling heart will make the analogy of character

"Loving you in endless forms and countless times."

And you take it as a charm, wear it round your hands in your many expressions, 

In days after days, in life after life, and forever

Whenever I reminisce old stories of devotion, its was unspeakable pain,

Stereotypical of being apart or together.

As I was running away from the past life, but in the end you emerged,

Reverberating the darkness of time - You appeared to be the soul of what is remembered forever.

You existed here and breathe me in, brings pleasure of happiness

At the insurmountable of love of one for another

We occupied along side millions of lovers, carve up in the same

Hot sweatiness of meeting, but the same distressful tears of goodbyes

Ancestral love but in vows that renew in days and forever.

Today my love has found its resting temple in you

The love of my days both past and forever:

Embracing joy, sorrow, and life.

The memories of all fondness merging with this one love of ours –

And the forms of every verse-maker past and forever.

The Lone Wolf

 “She lends her pen,

to thoughts of him,

that flow from it,

in her solitary.

For she is his poet,

And he is her poetry.”

- Lang Leav

Like all others I wrote long before and after that were dedicated to you,

nothing left to be said but I will spend my life trying to put you into words. 

I admire your goodness, every optimism and hope

Your affection is a better fate for me than everything I could have wished for

If you are a part of me, then I wanted you be the best part

And if you're separated from me, then let me have you as my purposes

I felt those butterflies overwhelm them in the best possible way

This is for your love and mine is yours

Love is fate, now I am here

Bcs you know the meaning of life, that begins and ends with a kiss

I'm the fighter in the silver ardor, who toil for you

And for our future children, it's a circle - so they will know this truth

so please,

let us never be apart.

I delivered to be dedicated, to you - the one true love of my life, whilst all others have been merely pretenders. Only you and you alone know the truth of who I am.

Saved by The Grace

Back then, I thought that if I owned nothing, had nothing, was nothing, I would have nothing left to lose, and I wouldn't be scared anymore, bcs my whole life I’ve been so damn scared; scared to live because I was scared to die, but at the same I was so scared of living, so I wanted to die, or maybe so scared of dying that I refused to live - and yet I was scared to let someone know abt my feelings that I had a crush on long years ago because I was so sure that I'll be end up alone - just so that I don't have to be afraid to fall, when I'm already on the ground, and I don't have to be scared to lose someone, when there was no one to have around. 

"Every time my dreams threaten to become reality, something always happens and I end up alone."

Then I realised, I rather not wishing to survive but to be thrown to the wolfs with adrenaline still pumping in my veins and hear the Gods laughing saying ”that was one hell of a youth” and everything I do I do in order to push my senses and levels of natural ecstasy. I want to be so awake that I pass out by exhaustion every night with a smile on my face and no thoughts of tomorrow bcs it was all I ever could make of it and I am sick and tired of boredom. Bored people slumbering boring words about bored habits and I want to get out in these darkness back then.

05/02/2023 changed everything ..

"You’re like a song I heard when I was a little kid but forgot I knew until I heard it again,"

And after 11 years of being scared, there she is - alive well and existing in front of me. I felt like every time I stare into those eyes of her, they shine like a mirror with the sharp edges, piercing trough every bit of my reflection - it makes me feel like a kid lost in the woods and all of a sudden I hear a song somewhere and a shiver runs down my spine, a song that I’ve heard somewhere before; a song that makes all my demons calms peacefully at once.

So I got so obsessed with her - an obsession for damaged people like me to damage myself even more - but still, obsession makes everything possible, and that’s the thing about success and happiness; I fall in love with her, I become absolutely, pathologically obsessed, the moment that I have what I want and we being together like the open seas and shores, sometimes, I was not sure if I totally ready for it, thus, 

"I become obsessed with the idea that I don’t deserve it,"

 - but she gave assurance that all these are fucking real, even in smallest gesture. yet I’m so forever blessed for the bond that we both have right now, and that comes from simply having her around, knowing she makes my life one of my best and whenever I feel like I'm the worthless, she never fails to amaze me and keep reminding me that I mean the world to her. 

Afiza Qalilla Jamaludin, there is no words to describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you, I'm just glad that you really exist in my life and I appreciate for all the things you have done for me. I was broken into pieces, yet you picked up every little pieces of me, and put it back together, patiently - you made me, eternally yours.