I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’m trying really hard to make up for those things by being a decent 'zero fucks given' guy. Also, I was not proud of what I had learned but I never doubted that some of it was worth knowing.
And I'm not afraid to admit everything that I sees to be wrong with myself, and yet recognises that I may be the object of stratagems. But it don’t erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a certain creative version of pride and ego, yet being humble.
Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past. I'm just glad that I wasn't the same person that I used to be before. For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever I want to be. I hope I'll live a life that I'm proud of, and if I find that I'm not, I hope I have the strength to start over again.
I’m an eyewitness at all the fear, weakness, frustration, failure, depression, refraction and bad luck moments that I’ve been through alone and which affected significantly but never was able to beat me for so long.
I still mourn the nights I have spent worrying that I was not good enough. And I still mourn the way I couldn’t silent these voices in my head telling me that I needed to be always something more, better or different. I still mourn it - bcs I have learned the hard way to unleash the demon inside, to show the world that I have a voice to be heard. And I’ve learned to be in love with all my imperfections. Be at peace with myself not to be at war with my mind nor the world anymore. I broke the cage of my own thoughts and fears, and now I am free, I am loved, and I know deep inside that I have always been more than enough.
I’m here now stronger that yesterday, I'm still able to stand and continue on my way, still following up my dreams, still trying my best to build better future for me and my love ones and rest assure, I will never stop conquering. The key to a happy life is to have accomplishments to be proud of and purpose to look forward to, and in the moment now, I'm having both - pursuing my careers, along supports from my love ones and good circle of close people that been gone through with me since day one, and work hard enough for getting marry to my dream girl that I adored since for most a decade.
There will always be that small part of myself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it," - bcs I'm done for not do anything and tired to call it regret, that would break my heart again and again. By reason of that particular person, I couldn't have done it without her existence.