Saved by The Grace

Back then, I thought that if I owned nothing, had nothing, was nothing, I would have nothing left to lose, and I wouldn't be scared anymore, bcs my whole life I’ve been so damn scared; scared to live because I was scared to die, but at the same I was so scared of living, so I wanted to die, or maybe so scared of dying that I refused to live - and yet I was scared to let someone know abt my feelings that I had a crush on long years ago because I was so sure that I'll be end up alone - just so that I don't have to be afraid to fall, when I'm already on the ground, and I don't have to be scared to lose someone, when there was no one to have around. 

"Every time my dreams threaten to become reality, something always happens and I end up alone."

Then I realised, I rather not wishing to survive but to be thrown to the wolfs with adrenaline still pumping in my veins and hear the Gods laughing saying ”that was one hell of a youth” and everything I do I do in order to push my senses and levels of natural ecstasy. I want to be so awake that I pass out by exhaustion every night with a smile on my face and no thoughts of tomorrow bcs it was all I ever could make of it and I am sick and tired of boredom. Bored people slumbering boring words about bored habits and I want to get out in these darkness back then.

05/02/2023 changed everything ..

"You’re like a song I heard when I was a little kid but forgot I knew until I heard it again,"

And after 11 years of being scared, there she is - alive well and existing in front of me. I felt like every time I stare into those eyes of her, they shine like a mirror with the sharp edges, piercing trough every bit of my reflection - it makes me feel like a kid lost in the woods and all of a sudden I hear a song somewhere and a shiver runs down my spine, a song that I’ve heard somewhere before; a song that makes all my demons calms peacefully at once.

So I got so obsessed with her - an obsession for damaged people like me to damage myself even more - but still, obsession makes everything possible, and that’s the thing about success and happiness; I fall in love with her, I become absolutely, pathologically obsessed, the moment that I have what I want and we being together like the open seas and shores, sometimes, I was not sure if I totally ready for it, thus, 

"I become obsessed with the idea that I don’t deserve it,"

 - but she gave assurance that all these are fucking real, even in smallest gesture. yet I’m so forever blessed for the bond that we both have right now, and that comes from simply having her around, knowing she makes my life one of my best and whenever I feel like I'm the worthless, she never fails to amaze me and keep reminding me that I mean the world to her. 

Afiza Qalilla Jamaludin, there is no words to describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you, I'm just glad that you really exist in my life and I appreciate for all the things you have done for me. I was broken into pieces, yet you picked up every little pieces of me, and put it back together, patiently - you made me, eternally yours.